REAL MEN WEAR KILTS - WHAT DO...?

OK, no site about kilts would be complete without providing answers to the age-old question, "What does a Scotsman (or any other nationality, for that matter) wear under his kilt?" Well, it depends on exactly HOW the question is asked. Here are some suggestions (this assumes a gentleman is being queried by a lady):

What lies beneath?
By Harriet Arkell, Evening Standard

The vast majority of Scotsmen still choose to wear nothing beneath their kilts, according to a survey out today.

The survey of men north of the border revealed that 69 per cent of kilt-wearers prefer to "go commando".

Of the remainder, 14 per cent said they wore boxers and 10 per cent chose briefs - with 7 per cent admitting to falling into the rather ambiguous "other" category. One man admitted wearing a thong with a Batman motif.

Researchers found that a large number of Scotsmen often made up their minds on the basis of how formal the occasion was. Many preferred to wear underwear for occasions such as weddings, while on less formal outings such as rugby matches they went without.

The survey was carried out by The Famous Grouse for St Andrew's Day.

Here are some suggestions assuming a gentleman is being queried by another gentleman:

Know of another reply we don't? Email us - we'll add it to the list!

An Irishman goes to the local pub to celebrate St. Patrick's Day, like he does every day, and gets wasted out of his mind. He stumbles outside when the bartender tells him that he's had enough, but he can barely walk. So he leans up against a tree, where he passes out.

A few minutes later, a couple of fine lassies go walking by. One says to the other one, "Do you think they wear anything under those kilts?" She admits that she doesn't know. So they go to check it out.

She lifts up the kilt and sees him in all his glory. As they replace the kilt and get ready to walk away, an idea enters one of their heads. "Give me your blue hair ribbon," she says. Reluctantly, she hands it over. She goes back over to the Irishman, lifts up the kilt, and ties the ribbon to him. They walk away laughing.

A few hours later, the drunk gets up to take a piss. He stands up, walks over to the bushes, hikes up his kilt, looks down and sees the blue ribbon. He thinks for a minute and says, "To be perfectly honest, I don't know how you got away, and I don't know what you did, and I don't know who you did it to, but I'm sure glad to see that you got first prize!"

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt. A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt.

He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"

So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed. A few days later the tailor called the lad back to the shop.

"Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."

So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.

When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "Well, what'd ye think?"

"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show here.

Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, "Aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in process. A sign read:"Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman". The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out his huge member and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw the faded sign for the same circus and the same sign "Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman". He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time,however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

"You're incredible!" he told the Scotsman. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

She asks him, "What's underneath your kilt?" He says, "Why don't you go find out?"

So, she reaches underneath and finds what's there, and says "Oooh! That's gruesome!" The Scotsman replies, "Touch it again, lassie, it grew some more!"

Did you hear about the young highland lad whose mother always told him. "Don't be ashamed of your kilt, Laddie! Be proud of it!! If you ever have to go to the big city, where your dress kilt and wear it with pride!"

Eventually, she died, and he had to go to London for the estate paperwork. He remembered what his auld mother always told him, and wore his dress kilt. He was on a bus in London when the driver looked back in his rear view mirror and shouted, "You there! You'll have to put the animal off! Animals aren't allowed on the bus!"

A Scot wonders into a West Texas cowboy bar. Two old cowboys are playing pool when they see this strangely dressed fellow. One of the cowboys points his pool cue toward the Scot’s kilt.

The cowboy replies, "Well, you shore will be kilt iffin you keep wearin’ that little dressey ‘round here."

A Brigadier General was inspecting a Scots Highland in full parade dress. There were rows and rows of kilted brawny fine Scotsmen. As the Brigadier General started down the 3rd row he noticed a strapping lad at the end had a problem with something hanging below the hem of his kilt. As he approached the end of the row he stopped in front of this particular fellow, and looked him up and down.

"Yur a credit to th' regiment, kape upp the gud wurk," said the Brigadier General as he moved on.

As the Brigadier General came to the 7th row he noticed another young man with something even longer below the hem of his kilt. He approached him and said,

Ten uses for the BIG kilt:

Wigwam
Kite (the flying Scotsman)
Picnic rug
Hang glider
Sleeping bag
Big pants in case a Sumo wrestler visits
Shower curtain
Fishing net
Bed sheet to escape from a castle
Bull fighting

"yur a fin' strappin' specimen of manhud. Might yu han' a yunger bruther in the thaird row?"

"Yur a credit to th' regiment, kape up the gud wurk," said the Brigadier General as he moved on.

As the Brigadier General came to the last row he noticed another young man with something actually hanging to the ground below the hem of his kilt. He approached him and said,

"Wull, I was nai exactly referin' to yur nose. Yu and yur bruthers seem to be very well endowed."

"Ach, sur tha's nai a family resemblance. Me Muther only had one arm and tha's how she used to pluck us from the cradle!"

Three Scotswomen are walking home at night (they are neighbors) and find a Scotsman passed out partially under a wagon. His upper body is under the wagon and they can't see who he is; however, they would like to help him get home.

The third woman looks under his kilt and says, "Why he's not even from our village!"

Old Angus on his deathbed lay,
As family tears were spilt.
He turned to his eldest son to say,
"Would ye like to buy my kilt?"

Now Angus was a happy man for soon he would be wed
He'd found a brisk and bonnie lass to take him to his bed
But happier still his mother was that he had found a wife
For truth be told she'd often feared t'be stuck with him for life!

In honour of the grand affair their wedding it would be
She set about to weave a kilt the finest ever seen
The night before the wedding when the kilt was finally done
She called young Angus over and she tried it on her son

She wound the kilt about him and she wound and wound wound!
But when she'd finished winding it was still eight yards too long
"Oh never fear, me bonnie boy, we'll simply cut it off
And to your blushing bride we will give the extra cloth"

Now Angus was so pleased you know his heart it swelled with pride
He felt that he must rush right out to show it to his bride
It was raining so he grabbed a cloak to shield him on the moor
And in his haste to be away, his kilt slammed in the door!

Now Angus was in such a rush to show off for his bride
He never really noticed that he'd left his kilt behind
He knocked upon her door, cryin' "Let me in I pray,
I've something that you've got to see before our wedding day"

Well Brigit let him in you know but says, "You canna stay.
For I must have my beauty sleep before our wedding day!"
"I'll only be a moment love, but it's so grand, my dear,
You've got t'see what I've got hidin' under here!"

Now when the cloak was set aside, and Angus stood quite bare
We must admit, she was impressed, and tried hard not to stare
"My love, I'll ne'er see finer, though far and wide I'd roam!"
"Oh, lass," He cried, "That's nothin'! I've eight more yards at home!"

A young man was at a party in Scotland fully dressed in his native kilt, every male there was. He had been dancing with several young ladies, but none of them had really interested him. But, there was one girl who he had noticed that he wanted in the worst way. He was shy however and did not have the nerve to ask. Just as the last song was coming on Jill, the girl he fancied, came over and asked him, "Would you like to dance with me?"

After they danced the last dance Jill asked him, "Would you like to walk me home?"

When they reached the girls house she calmly asked him, "Would you like to come in and sleep with me?"

He was so excited, he really was curious this time, "Was it the gleam in my eye?"

HAVE YOU SEEN A GHOST?

The Society of the Paranormal was having a convention in town and there were many attendees. The president of the society was at the podium delivering the opening address to all who were there in body and in spirit, and he asked the question:

"Who of you have had the occasion to see a ghost?". There was a showing of perhaps forty hands, to which the speaker asked,

"Who of you have had the occasion to speak with a ghost?". Once again the conventioneers raised hands, counting thirty or so.

Then the question, "Who of you have had the occasion to have actually touched a ghost?", to which about ten hands were waved about. The speaker paused for a moment, and then delivered another query,

"Who of you have had the occasion to have sex with a ghost?",and in the far back of the auditorium a lone hand was raised.

"Would the usher please escort that individual with his hand raised to the stage? I simply must inquire further." And with a couple of moments delay the man was brought forward, who incidentally turned out to be a wee Scotsman in full kilt no less. When the Scot arrived on stage, the speaker asked him, "Well Sir, tell us what it was like to have sex with a ghost.", to which the man replied, "Ghost? Laddie,I thought ye said goat!".

Sandy went to the hospital complaining of sharp pains in his legs. After a few days of tests, his doctor came to see him. "Sandy, I have some good news and some bad news Which do you want to hear first?"

Sandy asked for the bad news first. "The bad news is that we'll have to amputate both your legs."

A Scottish guy with the kilt and whole deal walks into a bar in Cuba. He walks up to the bartender and being Scottish he wants to see if he can get a drink for free.

"We don't do free drinks!", responds the bartender and promptly ignores him. While thinking about how to swindle a drink a guy comes in with a big bushy beard and a cigar in his mouth.

He walks up to the bar and mutters (in Cuban accent), "Castro's Men" and receives a free beer no questions asked. This happens again, guy with the beard and cigar and so gives the Scottish guy an idea.

The bartender looks him up and down and says, "You don't look like you have a beard and cigar!"

A Scotsman and a Norseman were walking along a road, when they came upon a sheep with its head stuck between two fence-rails. The Scotsman immediately rushed up to the sheep, flipped his kilt up, and went at it with enthusiasm.

When he was done, he said to the Norseman, "Och, that was a good 'un. Laddie, have you ever tried this?"

The Norseman admitted he hadn't, and the Scotsman said, "Well, you really ought to!"

The Norseman sized up the situation for a minute, and then said, "Well, I would, but I don't think I can get my head between those rails."

Know of another kilt joke we don't? Email us - we'll add it to the list!

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